Professors Say the Darndest Things- Freshman Edition

Ever in class and think, "Oh my word, I cannot believe the professor just said that?" You are not alone. Here's a growing collection of great quotes as said by Auburn professors:

* People use flowery romantic languages to show they are learned, but, if I were a cow farmer, I'd just use Germanic curse. That get those cows back in their pen.

* When you are little, you don't go to the zoo, see a kangaroo, and get interested in marsupial research. Who wants to study marsupials? They are just strange creatures. Someday I'll tell you my marsupial story...

* In the New York Times you can't say mean things except against Southerns and maybe fat people.

* Let's do a drive and see how many people will trade in their cell-phone for a bag of candy corn. Who doesn't like candy-corn?

* If your roommate can crack his knuckles to the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"... you might want to change that.

* (yells) I don't intend this to BE a practical course!

* You go home, open the fridge, and there is nothing to eat. You start to ask yourself, "Do I really still like that cat?"

* Sometimes we have a situation that you want to give me your money and I will give you my cocaine... but there's a cop watching, so we can't. That would be inappropriate.

* (male prof) I'd love to hang out with you, but I have to spend an hour buffing my nails.

* We don't all have to be smart. We just need to be able to steal things.

* Teaching is fun. Not teaching is more fun.

* How many papers will you write? I used to make my students write three. Three is alot. Four is better! Let's do two.

* If you don't think I'm funny, that's ok. You'll just flunk.

* Having quizzes has merit. Not having quizzes also has merit. Mainly it gives me less work to do. That's definitely a plus considering my salary.

* Somewhere I'm sure Auburn University has a paper saying what a this class should be like, what you should learn and what I should teach, but I've never read it. I frankly don't care.

* Let me tell you a story about left-handed Lithuanian plumbers...

* Let me tell you a story about prostitution...

* I know some liberals who are wonderful people!

* As an individual, how can you change the world? You could assassinate Lincoln... but I don't recommend it.

* Sometimes you need to set aside principles to do what is right!
(to which a student asks: Don't principles determine what's right?)

* If I won the lottery I'd buy a clan of ninjas and take over Canada.

* Here's [a picture of] a giant tortoise. If you are not in a hurry and have a hot dog, you can use one for transportation.

* Somebody stole my wombat!

* This course was designed to make individuals more well-rounded. If you want to more well-rounded, you should eat a lot of pizza. That would be easier.

* That's preposterous! As opposed to post-posterous. And I'm not sure what that means.

* I'm not sure why you'd need to know this, but if you're on Jeopardy, and they ask this, you'll know. Then you owe me half your winnings.

* I'm making up these dates, but they might be right.

* (sirens going off outside) CRAP! Do you think someone told the cops where I am?

* The whole point of higher education is you get to get the jokes.

* Here's another nonsensical question: Could humans be made to be just like dolphins in every way? NO! 'Cause then we would not be humans, we'd be dolphins!

*(addressing a student) I know you think its important to say what you wanna say, but its not.

*(whispers) Economist are witch doctors.

* There are two things you cannot discuss at parties: religion and cold remedies.

*Here's another worthless, irrelevant footnote: red is tricky.

* How do you make yourself believe in God? Hang out with the right people, go to church, and stay away from English Departments!

* (student walks in and strolls across room carrying a hubcap) By the way, if that's mine, you fail!

* The reason we have this problem isn't because people are stupid. Its because they're schmucks.

* student: I think that people not believing the hobgoblin theory has to do with the social and physiological reasons more than the hypothetico-deductive reasoning being fallacious.
prof: I think it has more to do with I'm making shit up.

* Here's my plan: Let's go to England. You attack the queen and I'll save her. You'll probably go to jail, but I'll fulfill my life long dream of becoming a knight. How cool would that be?

* People switching those annoys me. Not you though. I hope to educate you to be annoyed with everyone else. I want you to be less happy with your life.

* This [education] is all about becoming dangerous at parties.

So, I have a degree in Imaginary Engineering...

and I used it to build a stunning sandcastle with the boys!

CSO Beach Trip 2009

I'm feeling a bit drowsy...

from my road trip to Columbus to see the Drowsy Chaperone with Elizabeth. I can't believe I was able to talk her into going, mainly since tickets were not guaranteed. We rushed the show, and, to keep you out of suspense, I'll tell you upfront that we got tickets (dead-center 2nd row balcony!). For those who don't know, in order to get to the theatre in Columbus you have to drive through their projects. After parking our car, Elizabeth looked around and said, "Wouldn't it be funny if your car wasn't here when we got back?" No Elizabeth! That would not be funny at all! "Don't worry," she continued, "if that happened we could just call my brother. He's a cop in Columbus, so he could fill out the report and get us back to Auburn. That's killing two birds with one stone!" Glad to know she's got a plan. Anywho, we got there pretty early (we were rushing the show after all) and spent some time exploring the little streets around the theatre and lazying down the Columbus river walk. After grabbing some pizza in a local dive, we went back to the River Center to see the show. The Drowsy Chaperone was amazingly funny; I highly recommend that you go see it- it is one of my favorite shows! After the show, we headed to Krispy Kreme, keeping our fingers crossed that the "hot now!" sign was on. It was- Yay! We enjoyed far more donuts than we should have, but hey, they're delicious!