Professors Say the Darndest Things- Freshman Edition

Ever in class and think, "Oh my word, I cannot believe the professor just said that?" You are not alone. Here's a growing collection of great quotes as said by Auburn professors:

* People use flowery romantic languages to show they are learned, but, if I were a cow farmer, I'd just use Germanic curse. That get those cows back in their pen.

* When you are little, you don't go to the zoo, see a kangaroo, and get interested in marsupial research. Who wants to study marsupials? They are just strange creatures. Someday I'll tell you my marsupial story...

* In the New York Times you can't say mean things except against Southerns and maybe fat people.

* Let's do a drive and see how many people will trade in their cell-phone for a bag of candy corn. Who doesn't like candy-corn?

* If your roommate can crack his knuckles to the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"... you might want to change that.

* (yells) I don't intend this to BE a practical course!

* You go home, open the fridge, and there is nothing to eat. You start to ask yourself, "Do I really still like that cat?"

* Sometimes we have a situation that you want to give me your money and I will give you my cocaine... but there's a cop watching, so we can't. That would be inappropriate.

* (male prof) I'd love to hang out with you, but I have to spend an hour buffing my nails.

* We don't all have to be smart. We just need to be able to steal things.

* Teaching is fun. Not teaching is more fun.

* How many papers will you write? I used to make my students write three. Three is alot. Four is better! Let's do two.

* If you don't think I'm funny, that's ok. You'll just flunk.

* Having quizzes has merit. Not having quizzes also has merit. Mainly it gives me less work to do. That's definitely a plus considering my salary.

* Somewhere I'm sure Auburn University has a paper saying what a this class should be like, what you should learn and what I should teach, but I've never read it. I frankly don't care.

* Let me tell you a story about left-handed Lithuanian plumbers...

* Let me tell you a story about prostitution...

* I know some liberals who are wonderful people!

* As an individual, how can you change the world? You could assassinate Lincoln... but I don't recommend it.

* Sometimes you need to set aside principles to do what is right!
(to which a student asks: Don't principles determine what's right?)

* If I won the lottery I'd buy a clan of ninjas and take over Canada.

* Here's [a picture of] a giant tortoise. If you are not in a hurry and have a hot dog, you can use one for transportation.

* Somebody stole my wombat!

* This course was designed to make individuals more well-rounded. If you want to more well-rounded, you should eat a lot of pizza. That would be easier.

* That's preposterous! As opposed to post-posterous. And I'm not sure what that means.

* I'm not sure why you'd need to know this, but if you're on Jeopardy, and they ask this, you'll know. Then you owe me half your winnings.

* I'm making up these dates, but they might be right.

* (sirens going off outside) CRAP! Do you think someone told the cops where I am?

* The whole point of higher education is you get to get the jokes.

* Here's another nonsensical question: Could humans be made to be just like dolphins in every way? NO! 'Cause then we would not be humans, we'd be dolphins!

*(addressing a student) I know you think its important to say what you wanna say, but its not.

*(whispers) Economist are witch doctors.

* There are two things you cannot discuss at parties: religion and cold remedies.

*Here's another worthless, irrelevant footnote: red is tricky.

* How do you make yourself believe in God? Hang out with the right people, go to church, and stay away from English Departments!

* (student walks in and strolls across room carrying a hubcap) By the way, if that's mine, you fail!

* The reason we have this problem isn't because people are stupid. Its because they're schmucks.

* student: I think that people not believing the hobgoblin theory has to do with the social and physiological reasons more than the hypothetico-deductive reasoning being fallacious.
prof: I think it has more to do with I'm making shit up.

* Here's my plan: Let's go to England. You attack the queen and I'll save her. You'll probably go to jail, but I'll fulfill my life long dream of becoming a knight. How cool would that be?

* People switching those annoys me. Not you though. I hope to educate you to be annoyed with everyone else. I want you to be less happy with your life.

* This [education] is all about becoming dangerous at parties.

So, I have a degree in Imaginary Engineering...

and I used it to build a stunning sandcastle with the boys!

CSO Beach Trip 2009

I'm feeling a bit drowsy...

from my road trip to Columbus to see the Drowsy Chaperone with Elizabeth. I can't believe I was able to talk her into going, mainly since tickets were not guaranteed. We rushed the show, and, to keep you out of suspense, I'll tell you upfront that we got tickets (dead-center 2nd row balcony!). For those who don't know, in order to get to the theatre in Columbus you have to drive through their projects. After parking our car, Elizabeth looked around and said, "Wouldn't it be funny if your car wasn't here when we got back?" No Elizabeth! That would not be funny at all! "Don't worry," she continued, "if that happened we could just call my brother. He's a cop in Columbus, so he could fill out the report and get us back to Auburn. That's killing two birds with one stone!" Glad to know she's got a plan. Anywho, we got there pretty early (we were rushing the show after all) and spent some time exploring the little streets around the theatre and lazying down the Columbus river walk. After grabbing some pizza in a local dive, we went back to the River Center to see the show. The Drowsy Chaperone was amazingly funny; I highly recommend that you go see it- it is one of my favorite shows! After the show, we headed to Krispy Kreme, keeping our fingers crossed that the "hot now!" sign was on. It was- Yay! We enjoyed far more donuts than we should have, but hey, they're delicious!

Where Dreams Come True and Logic Doesn't Exist

Disney's Magic Kingdom's three big rides are "mountains." There is Splash Mountain, where you get wet, Thunder Mountain, a roller coaster outside through a desert-like mountain, and Space Mountain, an indoor roller coaster in the dark with faux stars and stuff.

So, for the past four-ish years, Lindsey and I have been trying our hardest to get Codi on Space Mountain. It is, after all, hands down, Disney's best ride. She won't do it. She refuses and fusses and screams that she won't get on it. We are there for her birthday; she's officially a teenager now (can you believe it?), 13. We tell her, it would be a cool story to tell your friends. Nope. No budging. So her, my dad, and I get in line for Thunder Mountain, her favorite ride. The line is super long, estimated wait time is 80 minutes. We glimpse at the fast-pass station. You can get a pass, but the return time 7:30-8:30. The following conversation actually happened. I did not make this up!

Kerri: Space Mountain's line was shorter than this and it’s a better ride... why don't you just try it?
Codi: NO! Let's get a fast-pass and come back later.
Dad: We should just wait in line. The fast-pass time is too late into the night. It'll be dark by then.
Codi: I don't care. Riding a roller coaster is more fun in the dark when you can see the stars anyways.
Kerri: (taken back by previous statement) WHOA! If only there was a ride based on that concept that we could go to and ride now.... I wish there was...Oh wait! That's what Space Mountain is!

Can you believe she said that?

I most certainly cannot.

...afterwards, fyi, she still wouldn't ride Space Mountain.

Whatca doin' buyin' hairspray at 1 in da mornin'?

The girls, Elizabeth, Jasmine, and Allison, and I saw Hairspray! Because I got us tickets late, we didn't get to sit together. I got us one ticket in the 2nd row, one in the 3rd, and two in the 4th. I got the 2nd row seat and sat next to a large, buff man- funny because he started singing along with some of the songs which took me back a bit. When we got out, it was monsooning! Well, not really, but it was the hardest downpour I have ever been in. So, what do we decided to do? Go to Sonic, bien sûr! We all got milkshakes and sat around in the rain, in the cold, and in our tiny dresses, but just hanging out again was worth it! While driving back, Elizabeth, who was shot gun, yelled, "Whoa! I can't even see the road!" Thanks- I knew that- I was aware! (It was a quite nerve-racking drive back!) We had to park in the far RO lot when we got back to school, but, fortunately, we didn't have to wait long for the security shuttle to come get us. When we got in, the man looks at us (we are fancily dressed and a wee bit wet) and asks us where we've been. Jasmine says, "At Hairspray!" causing the man to whip around and question, "Whatca doin' buyin' hairspray at 1 in da mornin'? Couldn't that have waited 'til mornin'?" Nope... it couldn't've.

Spreading the Light

I recently had the opportunity to be a counselor for St. Micheal's Confirmation retreat. My girls were all sweet and very willing to share their stories with us. They even made on of the best raps out of all the groups! Remember to always be the light!

Anxious to see the Greatest Rappin’ Battle of all time: Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros

When Flight of the Conchords announced that they were going to have a United States national tour, I was both excited and nervous. Acts that I normally want to see usually do not make it anyway in the south. I checked their list and found out that they ARE coming to Atlanta… but only for one night! Needless to say, I was up at the library to buy tickets the moment they went on presale (yet again, I managed to find a magical code). April 11th, the day before Easter, I’m going to Atlanta to see New Zealand's fourth most popular comedy folk duo!

Spreading the Addiction

This past week, or, more accurately, this past Wednesday to Sunday, I stayed at my house to look after Codi whilst my parents were away in NYC. Bored out of my mind, I put in disc one of the first season of Alias. Codi came in, sat down, and started watching it with me. Now she’s hooked. I mean, really, really hooked. We ended up watching about eight episodes and are now on disc three. She wanted to watch more, but wasn’t a lot of the fun of Alias having to wait a whole week to find out how that cliffhanger would resolve? Oh! And gasping at those ads saying “Next time on Alias…?” Now, to be honest, Codi has it much better. She knows that there are five seasons (meaning Sydney can’t die in the first episode) whereas it was always on the verge of not coming back for us. I feel secrets wanting to burst out of me… but I know it’ll be more fun for her to discover them herself. Oh, I’m also not letting her watch them unless I’m home which will give her at least a week between shows now. Ha!

Wow. My time at home could've be spent quite productively. Instead, I just got another poor soul addicted to Alias. Oh well…